To My Ladies: On Loyalty, Sex, and True Love

Relationships. One thing’s for sure, they’re NOT FOR THE WEAK! I’m referring to all kinds of relationships here because just as what we see in society today, broken relationships are everywhere. And it’s up to us to break the cycle if we want to have more happy, healthy, and whole relationships. For example, just because you have a “father wound,” doesn’t mean that you have to take all the blame to your Father from above and not believe in Him at all anymore (as evidenced in the Case for Christ by Lee Strobel). Another example is just because the older generations in your family have immoral relationships (as in a cheating grandfather, a mistress aunt, etc.), doesn’t mean that you have to follow in their footsteps. Another is just because you’ve been cheated on and lied to before doesn’t mean that you have to do it, too, just so you can avenge yourself (in a bad way!).

And there are many more examples of broken relationships. But the point here is WE CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEM. We can heal all past wounds — PROPERLY!

And I decided to address this post to only the ladies (although the gentlemen are welcome to read as well!) because we, ladies, we get each other. We may still be different individually, but we can’t deny that we have almost the same “Venus” instincts and thinking. #GirlPower #LakasMakaFeminist haha

Anyway, even if I mentioned all kinds of relationships earlier, of course, this post will mostly focus on the romantic kind. Get ready, this is going to be a lengthy, wordy, and not to mention, controversial one! 😉

ON LOYALTY

We, ladies, we’re more known to be loyal in relationships because that’s just the way we are. We’re the ones who are more affected by soul ties (more on that later), and we have motherly instincts because that’s just it — we have the ability to be mothers, nine months of pregnancy and all that. I’m not overgeneralizing here because nobody’s perfect (there are still some girls who cheat), but I loathe the thought itself that society finds it more acceptable when a boy cheats instead of a girl. Cheating is cheating, and there’s no “who does it better or worse” debate thing about that! But given that, cheating, just like any relationship, takes two to tango. And since boys are the ones who usually make the “first move,” ladies, you must know better when you make your move! When a boy is already in a serious relationship, don’t even think about “it!”

“It” meaning reciprocating the wrong feelings and emotions. Boys will be boys. Sometimes, they’re not even aware that they’re already playing with fire through emotional cheating. In fact, I believe most cheating scenarios start with that — emotional. Boy has a rocky relationship, he’s not man enough to communicate properly with his girlfriend, so he looks for another girl to “talk to” just to unload his emotional baggage (if only he were man enough to talk to his real girlfriend!). And then because you’re given that special attention, you already start to develop inappropriate feelings. When boy finds out, out of his weakness, you already start to be the other girl! And for some reason, you let yourself be in that complicated situation. Ano ba! ‘Di ka cheap, ‘teh!!!

Ladies, when it comes to loyalty, it’s not enough that you’re loyal to your boyfriends (even girlfriends)/husbands/partners. It also takes a firm NO from you to a boy or any other party to stop a cheating scenario. You’re a lady, you don’t deserve a half-baked love, you don’t deserve to be the “spare,” and most especially, you don’t deserve an emotionally wounded boy who still has emotional baggage from his past relationship/s (ano yun, promo at may free baggage ka agad sa relasyon niyo?!). So when you’re approached by a weak boy like that, roll your eyes and tell him to find himself first and heal his past wounds — on. his. own! Only then will he be able to enter a new happy and healthy relationship that has marriage as the goal — if being a bride/wife is on your list! This applies to rebound relationships, too! Why would you even agree to be a rebound? Hindi ka basketball, ‘teh!

I salute all the ladies who have already “woken up” from this nightmare. If you’ve been involved, are involved, and plan to be involved in a cheating scenario, I’m telling you that there’s always hope. You can always be better, then eventually be the best person that God intended you to be! Just stick with NO when it comes to cheating. Sometimes, there’s more strength in saying a difficult NO than in giving an easy yes. So be strong and not weak!

P.S. to all the boys out there: I hope you know that when you cheat, you’re doing a disservice to the other women in your life — as in your mother, sister/s, grandmother/s, (future) daughter/s, female friends, etc. I’m sure you also don’t want them to be cheated on, so think of them the next time cheating crosses your mind! Kaya mahiya kayo!!! Remember, what comes around, goes around. So focus on good karma, not just for yourself, but for all your loved ones. After all, who said that the karma you create, whether good or bad, affects only you and you alone?! Kaya mag-isip-isip kayo ng mabuti!

ON SEX

I’ve been thinking on how to approach this touchy (no pun intended) subject without being holier-than-thou and preachy, so here goes (if I fail, I apologize as early as now! This is MY blog at walang makakapigil sa’kin! #pabebe wahahahaha!)

Ladies, we’ve all heard the words VIRGINITY and PURITY. They may be similar (you can be both a virgin and pure which is ideal, or you can be on the other end of the spectrum which is not-so-ideal), but they’re completely different in the sense that you can be a virgin but not necessarily pure, or pure but not necessarily a virgin. Confusing, no?

Let’s define them.

In my own words, VIRGINITY is when you haven’t had vaginal sex ever. As in your hymen is still intact, and when you finally have sex for the first time (hopefully with your husband!), there’s a possibility that you’ll bleed. Virginity is more on the physical aspect.

On the other hand (in my own words again), PURITY is more on the emotional aspect. It means avoiding masturbation, avoiding reading/watching books/magazines/movies/shows that promote premarital/extramarital sex, not having premarital sex (or already stopped doing it!), not looking at pornography, not thinking of sexual thoughts, etc. So yes, you might have participated in premarital sex before but once you decide that you want to save sex for marriage again, you can go the “pure” route. There’s no shame in changing for the better.

Most people view these as a Christian thing, but c’mon, Christians are people, too. They’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. And even if you have no religion, you can still decide to be both a virgin and pure, or simply be pure again. Why? Because for us, ladies, soul ties are no joke. What are soul ties? Soul ties are formed through being in close relationships (i.e., boyfriend-girlfriend), saying vows and commitments (i.e., “I will always love you!”), and yes, having sex — because you know, sex isn’t just a physical act — it involves the bonding of the two souls having sex, too! That’s why it’s recommended only for husbands and wives in marriage because after the honeymoon stage, real life hits and through sex, a husband and wife are expected to have already bonded through sex (and other aspects, too) to get through anything life throws their way — until death do them part! And women are more affected by soul ties than men because in the act of sex, women are the “receivers” when they are “entered.” [For more information about soul ties, I suggest you visit this site or Google the term.]

That’s why when you have premarital sex and you don’t end up marrying that person, it’s like you’re giving away pieces of your soul that you can’t take back anymore (think of a sticky note that has been stuck and unstuck several times, already losing its stickiness or ability to “bond” to a surface). And if left unhealed (yes, you can be healed through God’s grace if you want to!), when you do finally marry your husband, when you have sex with him, you’re also bringing to the table (or bed!) all the souls of the boys you’ve had sex with before — which you’ve “collected” through premarital sex! The more, the merrier is definitely NOT the case here! Imagine that!

So, ladies, please don’t think little of “soul ties” or conform to society’s “standards” of sex. Sex itself is not bad per se, but doing it irresponsibly has its own set of consequences (as if you don’t know that already!). I know it all comes down to values (as in what you value in life), but admit it, there’s more shame in sleeping around (not to mention a higher possibility of contracting sexually transmitted diseases and having unplanned pregnancies) than in deciding to save yourself for your (future) husband. Sure, there are those who engage in premarital sex with their boyfriends then eventually got married, but you also know that that’s NOT always the case! So better start saving yourself if you haven’t done so already. Again, there’s always hope. As one speaker put it, ‘pag naputikan ka (yung literal na putik), hindi ka kukuha ulit ng putik at ipapahid mo sa’yo. Ito’y pupunasan mo nang malinis. So why not do it for your soul, too?

I can say all this because yes, I’m a virgin. But no, I’m not that innocent and I’ve also struggled with purity. I just came from a four-year relationship and being in that relationship wasn’t easy; trying to keep our virginity (my ex was also a virgin when we were together) wasn’t easier. We made out and stuff. And when you start something that “feels good,” it’s really hard to resist and you’ll want more! What more if it was sex? That’s why I really stood my ground and made clear where to draw the line. When the relationship ended, I still felt guilty for sinning even if I’m still a virgin because I wasn’t necessarily pure. But through the Sacrament of Reconciliation and God’s continuous grace, I’m getting “purer” every day since the breakup. If I had known better, I wouldn’t have let myself be stirred with fleeting emotions. I would’ve raised the bar higher by being physical only through holding hands and a smack on the lips at the most (maybe even have our first kiss on our wedding day!).

But anyway, I’m leaving that all to my past. I’m now focused on my present, and that’s what I’m working very hard on. I’ve already avoided reading materials such as some sections of Cosmo and doing other impurities, and I don’t regret my decision to save myself for my future husband — who I hope is similar to Tim Tebow! Hahaha! And no, I’m not ashamed of these revelations! Kaya nga nababasa niyo ngayon sa blog ko noh! I really don’t get it why there are some people who are more ashamed with being virgins/pure when in fact, that’s harder to do! It takes a lot of strength to run from temptation, you know? And besides, if you try to mock me for these decisions of mine, get ready for my own prepared “lectures” as well. So let’s just not start with that. Mwahahahahaha!

My mantra: if you’re not yet ready for the responsibility of having a child/family, you have no right to be in the business of having sex! Especially when you’re still a student! Sige ka, mabuntis ka diyan ng ‘di oras at masira lahat ng mga pangarap mo sa buhay! But if you’re already a yuppie like me, I respect my fellow female yuppies’ decisions. After all, they can already earn for themselves. Respeto nalang talaga. These are all just reminders, not impositions. We can agree to disagree. It’s as simple as that.

Also, as a defense to my female friends who have been early mothers, I salute them for taking on the big, yet rewarding responsibility of giving birth and being mothers. But they, too, have said that they don’t recommend/promote it. They consider themselves as cautionary tales. So if you’re not in that situation, don’t do things that will lead to it!

[For more information on virginity and purity, I highly recommend chastityproject.com headed by husband and wife, Jason and Crystalina Evert.]

ON TRUE LOVE

Sigh. How do I even define this without referring to God’s love? That’s already a given. God’s love is the only perfect and truest form of love.

But like I said, I’m referring to romantic love in this post, so I’ll focus on that. 🙂 Ladies, based on my experience, true love is when a man can stay loyal to you, respect your views on intimacy, and of course, love you unconditionally — even if at times, you have to admit that we act a little borderline crazy (hormones pa more!!!).

And yes, true love is when a man shows you he’s really committed to you and ONLY YOU by buying a ring, asking you to marry him, exchanging legit “I do’s” with you wherever, and signing that marriage contract to seal the deal. A boy can stay loyal to you, respect your views on intimacy, and love you — but that could still be conditional. And when the “conditions” start coming in, you’ll realize that all that was “fake love.” So to me, a man’s ability to propose and marry a woman (and stay married and loyal until death!) are sure signs of true love.

Kaya nga after all that hard work and money spent, ewan ko nalang ba’t may mga nagloloko parin!

Here’s what I think: they’re still “boys,” and not real men.

Notice that I used the term “boy” differently from the term “man” in the entire post? Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my experience and other people’s experience, only boys — as in people from the male species who are emotionally immature regardless of their age/background/credentials — are weak. I know of a grandfather who still cheats in his 70s (my gosh! tama na ang pananakit ng iba, ‘lo!), and all I see is still a weak boy trapped in an old man’s body. It’s really sad, and I can only pray for him — and pray that there will be fewer “boys” like him (if not none at all!).

A real man is strong — not just strong physically, but also emotionally, mentally, and spiritually — and yes, regardless of his religion. A real man won’t give in to temptation no matter how hard. In fact, a real man will already find a way to avoid temptation and will not make up excuses! A real man will own up to his own mistakes and will not blame you and not make up stories to make you the villain and him the victim. A real man will know your true worth and will try to upgrade himself (not degrade you or him to level down with another girl) when he feels like he needs some catching up to do worth-wise.

There are many good — even great — things about a real man, but again, some of those are definitely being loyal, not objectifying ladies as sex objects, and loving his woman (crazy emotions, PMS, and all) no. matter. what!

Most importantly, ladies, a real man who’s worthy to be your husband is someone you can see yourself submitting to willingly and not forcibly. A real man is strong yet gentle. A real man loves your flaws and yet sometimes hates your bad attitudes (still, he separates the attitudes from the person and knows those don’t define you). A real man is someone who can lead you and not boss you around (there’s a difference). A real man is a willing provider — not just in providing money, but also in providing time, security, love, commitment. A real man is someone who can be a good father and an even better example to his (future or current) children.

And yes, a real man is what you deserve, lady! That’s what YOU AND I deserve!

So if your “boy” still hasn’t graduated to being a man, then I guess it’s really best to leave them to the “girls” — see my earlier definition of “boys,” only from the female species.

But then again, maybe we gotta give it to ’em “boys” as well. Because sometimes, they’re also the reason why we, “girls,” graduate to being full-fledged ladies! And because of them, you’ll already know better to really never settle with just another “boy” ever again. Why? Because you already know your worth better (you always have), and you know that your worth has a place only for a REAL MAN who can show you TRUE LOVE! #LevelUp #NoBoysAllowed

P.S. to all the boys out there: Please strive to be real men! Don’t worry, us, ladies, know that we also have areas for improvement.

P.P.S. to ALL: But just imagine that if we all became our “ideal” man/lady, if we all started with ourselves first, I bet there would be fewer broken relationships in this world! As one speaker put it, “Happy singles = happy couples = happy families = happy societies = happy world.” Something like that. You get the idea! 😛

And to end this post, I’ll leave you with this quote from William Golding:

Disclaimer: I do not own this photo.

“I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men. They are far superior and always have been. Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she will give you a baby. If you give her a house, she will give you a home. If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit!”

THE END
(of rambling. lol!)
😀

Writing My Way to Success: #buqoYA x Mina V. Esguerra

Let me start by telling you that I’ve always dreamed of writing my own book. #Hihihi

Sure, WRITING will always be my passion, which is why I never stop honing it. From magazine writing (print and online) to blog writing, even technical writing, I’ve tried ’em all. Now, it’s about time to venture into another form of my chosen craft: story writing. See first sentence. 😛

Since I consider myself as someone who “has experience but not enough theory” when it comes to my passion (my course is not related to writing, but that’s another story for me to tell! *wink* *wink*),  I make sure that I attend writing classes/workshops whenever my budget and schedule permit. To cut the long story short, during one of my writing class/workshop hunting sessions, I stumbled upon local author Mina V. Esguerra‘s blog post about her online creative writing class called #buqoYA, which was hosted by Buqo — the Philippines’ #1 digital bookstore.

And from the moment I signed up, I knew it’d be perfect for me!

Why? Everything just fell into place. 🙂

First, I’ve been a reader of Mina‘s books even before I found out about her class, so I was thrilled to be learning from one of the country’s finest authors (aside from being published the traditional way, she’s also a self-publisher!). And yes, I’ve had the privilege of having my copies of her books signed! Thanks, Mina!!! 😀

Second, I love reading Young Adult (YA) stories — especially if there’s a love story involved! And guess what? The #buqoYA class required us to produce a story that is under YA (the category) and romance (the genre). I even got assigned to the trope I wanted: #FTMTF. Woohoo! (But that’s for you to find out once you read my story! Hehehe!)

Next, I, myself, am a Buqo user! I first discovered it during last year’s Manila International Book Fair (MIBF) and since then, I’ve been a convert — of e-book/digital reading that is! Haha! But seriously, what I love about Buqo is that it’s “a digital bookstore, newsstand, and reader” all rolled into one! It mostly offers local publications (so many great local book and magazine titles to choose from!), so think of it as the local version of Amazon‘s Kindle app. I’m actually currently subscribed to the digital version of Cosmopolitan Philippines, and I also get to buy other local books and magazines without the hassle of leaving my house and looking for a place to store them — all thanks to Buqo! 😉 So to start your Buqo reading adventure, download the app on your Android or iOS device, or simply visit their site HERE. (If you want to read my story, Buqo is where you’ll first find it… SOON!)

Last but definitely not the least, the #buqoYA writing class by the Mina V. Esguerra was perfect for me because of the most obvious reason: I finally got the chance of being closer to my dream of writing a book and actually publishing it! To give you an idea, I’m writing a novella. 🙂

Trivia: A story is considered a novel if it has at least 40,000 words (at least!). A novella if it has around 15,000 to 39,999 words. A short story if it has 14,999 words or less. Or something like that.

Also, I’m going the indie route since I’m the publisher of my book (not to be confused with my would-be first e-book distributor, Buqo). But hey, of course I’m not closing doors to the traditional way (hello, publishing companies!) but for now, I’d like to have overall control of it.

So much control that I’m not even done with the story yet! Toink! =))

Kidding aside, yes, I’m still in the process of finishing my story, but I promise that it’ll see the light of day THIS YEAR! It’ll be available in e-book format first, then in paperback… Yeah! THIS. IS. REALLY. IT!

But since mine is still in the works, I’d like to ask you to please also support my classmates who are already done with their stories. Theirs will be available by April (I think), but I’ll be sure to spread the word here or through my other social media accounts. I’m counting on yah, guys!!! 🙂

#buqoYA class of 2015 :)) (photo courtesy of Buqo's Facebook page)

#buqoYA class of 2015 :)) (photo courtesy of Buqo’s Facebook page)

All in all, I can say that my #buqoYA writing experience is a success! 🙂 Sure, I may not be done with the actual novella yet (for personal reasons I’m not comfortable disclosing to the public for now), but it definitely has taught me A LOT OF THINGS! From learning the different romance tropes to self-publishing, meeting people who have the same passion, to brushing elbows with those who already have success stories to tell when it comes to creative entrepreneurship, I owe all those to this class!

But most of all, this experience taught me this: that I. CAN. DO. IT! And you know, just having the guts to finally start one of my lifelong dreams is already success for me! Besides, I believe for a fact that for wordsmiths like me who live, breathe, and bleed THE WRITTEN WORD, there’s nothing more affirming than knowing that we’re all writing our way to our own success stories!

Oh yeah!!! ❤


If you’re one of my #buqoYA classmates,
what’s your takeaway from this entire experience?

And if you’re one of my blog readers,
I want to ask you now how many copies of my future novella will you order?
Hahaha! Kidding… not. =))